


Grief

by Challia



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:47:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Challia/pseuds/Challia
Summary: Sansa's thoughts after the season 7 finale.





	Grief

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me, but I always write in 2nd person and in present tense, this is just my style. And this story is nothing much, just my thoughts really that I needed to come out.

**When the snows fall and the white winds blow**

**The lone wolf dies but the pack survives**

You did survive after all.

After all the pain and hurt that happened to you, you managed to stay alive.

There may be a war far north, the one your brother Jon is fighting right now. He might never return, you know this. But this is not your problem now, not your concern. For what is important to you, Lady of Winterfell, is maintaining whatever you have left here and now. And it isn't much.

Sun sets over Winterfell and as the neverending snow is falling over courtyard, you watch your home. Your people. Their everyday duties. Your sister practicing with Brienne again, Podrick watching them with amusement, Bran seated not so far apart, talking with Sam Tarly. Everything looks not so different as it was a while ago. Same faces, same errands. But something is not quite right there.

One face is missing.

You have gotten used to his presence around you through the years. Like he was always your shadow. Always looming, always watching, ever observant. Your Lord Protector, as he used to call himself to make you smirk and blush at the same time. In the old times of course. Before the Boltons, before Ramsay. You are not a blushing girl anymore, for too much has happened and some things can never return. Things like innocence. Things like faith. You grew up with the image of beautiful and just knights in shining armors, handsome and pure, knights that became princes and kings. The reality hit you between the eyes. This is harsh world. Only the fittest will survive. And so you did. So did Arya and Bran and Jon. Your pack, the most of it for what it's worth. But are you really a pack now?

Arya came back from Braavos changed. Toughened for sure but not only that was different about her. She became cold. Ruthless. As if she had no principles at all besides revenge. As for revenge, there weren't many left on her list. Just Cersei really. You smile. That one you'd happily kill yourself.

Bran also is a different person now. He seems to know things that no one else does. People believe him for some reason and so do you. He is your brother after all. You believed him days back when you sentenced to death the man who used to be so important to you, so close to your heart..But still, you put your brother Bran first.

Jon. You were never close. He was always this 'worse' brother, this bastard who didn't deserve much. Yet now it appears that not only the fate of Westeros would be in his hands, but also your own. When he comes back from the war, assuming he defeats the White Walkers , what will happen to you? Most likely he will take his rightful Iron Throne and leave you in charge of the North . It is a pretty picture to imagine. Just the North. No extreme responsibilities, no ruling the entire country. You don't want anything more but peace and quiet.

Or do you?

_The picture of me, on the Iron Throne. And you by my side._

Sometimes when you stay awake at night, you hear his voice. See his face. Feel his touch. And on those nights you wonder. How things would have gone if you didn't sentence him to death that day. Where would the two of you be now. And you can't help it but feel that very strong and undeniable emotion. Regret.

Outside the walls of Winterfell there is a hill. No trees or bushes or any other plants, just a hill surrounded by many other hills. It is special to your heart because this is the place where some weeks ago you brought the ashes of a man that loved you and died for it. With your name on his lips. Petyr Baelish to you, 'Littlefinger' to many others. This is where you truly said good bye. After the execution, which was needed, never wanted by you, but necessary for you to maintain your position in the North, you decided that he will not be buried. Winterfell was not his home but you would never stand it if his body was sent far to the Vale or the Fingers. You needed him here, around you. You ask yourself often, why? For his wisdom, most likely. For his care. For his feelings for you. You always believed he had them. But maybe he should stay because of _your_ feelings for him as well.

So there you sit now, on that small hill overlooking Winterfell, holding his mockingbird pin in your hand. You are full of bitterness, anger and regret. _Why can't he be here so I can slap him? Yell at him for being such an idiot. For letting him fall for me which led eventually to his death? Why can't I just shout all of this to his face? Why did he have to be such a fool, why didn't he flee when there was still a chance? Before Arya showed up, before Bran and his visions.._? The voice deep inside shuts you down. _Because he loved you Sansa. That is why he stayed. He prefered to risk his life than staying away. And he paid the price for it. There is no coming back._

What happened, can't be undone. There are just ashes in the wind left now. And blood in your hand when you grip the mockingbird pin so strong it makes your tissues to part and cry for his absence. You cry also for yourself. For being a stupid girl with stupid dreams and stupid ideas. For letting him manipulate you all the way up to Bolton's family which led to ruining your innocence. For letting him follow you here, to the place which became his grave. You should have known better. You should have sent him away.

Snow is falling so densely you can hardly see anything but you decide to sit for a minute more on that hill. Petyr Baelish has no grave, he didn't deserve any, especially here but for you this is a place where he said good bye to this world. You never came here after you scattered his ashes over the hill. But months passed, days became shorter, war is still going on, and you are still a guardian. A guardian of the North, of peace, of stability, of righteousness. And it's good. If only you weren't so lonely.

_Lord Baelish.._ you start, nervously moving the mockingbird pin between your fingers. _I assume you're surprised seeing me here, now. But here I am. The winter has come, and it is terrifying. Maybe it's better for you that you're not here to witness it._

You are feeling nervous. Not even sure why, for you are speaking to the dead person after all. But you need this, all the cells in your body do, because the world is about to end and there is only one thing that would be worth for you to save. That only one memory. And the idea that maybe somehow it will get to him.

_I am not really certain what I want to tell you. Maybe that I am sorry. Maybe that I regret. Maybe hoping that you would forgive me. Even though I don't deserve forgiveness, I think. I did what I did for the good of House Stark and the North. You know this. You loved my mother and she was a Stark after all, I know you wanted the best for her. But the world we live in is so cruel. It killed my family. My father. I know it wasn't you. It was this world who made you what you were._

Tears start to gather in your eyes. This feels wrong, it is a very cold day and you shouldn't be here but something in your heart begs you not to stop, to keep going because what you're about to say is very important for some reason, yet still unclear to you why.

_You played everything perfectly for yourself like you always have. I know this now. I also know you betrayed my family. And I forgive you. I have to because otherwise I wouldn't be able to live with myself. No one can live with hate for too long._

Tears that fall from your eyes are salty but bitter at the same time and they seem freezing. Maybe it's good if they froze, you think. For what it's worth, history saved in forever.

_You know, I am so angry at you. Not for the things you did, but for how you made me feel. For your lessons, the wisdom I learned from you, for your patience when teaching me and how greatful I was that you were passing all this knowledge to me. For how your eyes smiled with your mouth when we were alone. For the warmth you brought to my heart each time you touched me. For the smile you made me produce when we were talking about even the least important things. For the shivers that run down my spine each time you gave me that look, that special look reserved only for me. Oh Petyr....This is the thing I cannot forgive you the most"._

Tears run uncontrollably right now. All the emotions you have been hiding for so long, and so deep, found their way out eventually.

_You made me love you, love you passionately, without boundaries, without borders...You ignited this flame in me and then you let me burn in it. And I will never understand how that happened but we could have achieved so much together , we could have been through so much..if you only told me the truth. How am I supposed to go on without you? How will I live? With constant regret and sadness? With reminiscing of what could have happened but it never did? I never wanted the Iron Throne but you did and for you, I would have fought for it. I would have given you an heir that you so much desired and make sure he would never be underestimated, pitied and shameful. If only you were true to me. If only you were honest. Now everything doesn't make sense without you around. And I miss you so much that it makes me want to scream! But screams won't bring you back. Nothing ever will. You are gone._

Feeling like an icy snowball you curl your arms around yourself and sob into your collar with such force, such uncontrolled passion and hurt, that it feels like it would never stop. The pain is excruciating. For a slight moment you want to join him, wherever he is now. Join him and be his Queen finally, once and for all. A doomed Queen, a cursed one, but HIS.

But somehow you know that it isn't what he would have wanted of you. He always wanted you to press on, no matter what. To fight, be strong and be smarter than everyone else around you. Because that would help you survive. And now you still need his guidance in this time of darkness.

You wipe your last tear. _And that is what I will do_.

It is time to go down that hill. To put your best clothes on, wear your perfect smile and go conquer the world. Because that is what Petyr would have wanted.

_There is no justice in this world, not unless we make it_.

But at least we can be just towards ourselves, especially with what's in our hearts.


End file.
